Confess. Every time I see you is like a punch.  right.  through.  my.  chest.

sad face

How long until it doesn’t hurt anymore?

ready or not

What’s the point of  “dating” someone when they are not ready?
Not to judge… I mean, am I even ready?
Who defines ready?
When you finally reach a point when you are okay with yourself and just yourself as you are and what you have worked to be… You have reached a point of self reflection where you can say, “hey, I like me, this is who I want to be!  I am happy with me and what God had made me.”    And now feel capable of bringing another into your life and sharing what you have with them..
Maybe something like that?
Is it fair to pursue a relationship with someone when I know there is so much more I need to learn and understand? I am not where I want to be spiritually. I am not sure if that is obtainable, so I know I cannot use that reason alone. But, if neither one of us are where we need to be, who will lead?   Who will be the strong one?  Who will draw the other closer to God?
Will we get distracted from where we want to go by each other?
I know it is each individual persons responsibility to have a personal relationship with Christ, not the others, but that is where it must start, and if we are both weak there, is it wise to combine our weaknesses?

I am not saying abort our friendship or current relationship, but maybe approach it a different way? Everything we should avoid is the stuff that goes beyond “friendship” anyways; haven’t we said that in the past?

I have not yet thought all this through or determined how.  I just want to be safe and careful for both our sakes. Both our hearts. We are in a vulnerable position and I think these serious issues are some of the most critical to determine our success/happiness in life…together and separately.
Just some thoughts.

safe to land?

Getting tired from all this circling
Not much grace left on a broken wing
I feel the wind trying to push me down
It happens every time I get to town

I search for shelter near the mines we swept
I guess forgiveness hasn’t happened yet
There are no words that I can say to you
That turn this careless sky from black to blue
So I’m asking you is it safe? Is it safe to land?
‘Cuz I’m not going far on an empty heart
Is it safe? Is it safe to land? It’s the long fall back to earth is the hardest part

I’m in no weather for apologies
I need your runway lights to burn for me
And if you say that I can come around
I’ll love you right, yea I won’t let you down, I won’t let you down

‘Cuz I’m coming home, if these wheels touch down
I’m coming home I’m waking you up in the middle of the night I’m not giving up
I’m gonna stay ‘til we make it work
We’re not going down even if it gets worse
We’ll work it out. Yeah we’ll work it out.
I need light to guide me in
Oh, Yeah is it safe?

If it’s not safe, don’t call me down
Hurt hits close and in my tears I drown
I am not mad, but I saw your frown
I don’t want to crash if the trail isn’t clear
You are the only one who knows, you see it in the mirror
Everyday is hard when we’re so unsure
I want security in you and a love that is pure

I want words that are honest, eyes that are clear
Time doesn’t matter, we locked the clocks away last year
I want you to know I can wait for you too
You seem insecure with doubts that breakthrough
the surface as they appear in the lines of your face
You think you are hiding but the signs are all in place

I want you to know my love for you is true
Overtime the depths of my feelings have only grew
It’s always said actions speak louder than words
Nonetheless actions are seen and words are heard
that make me hurt and wonder everyday
how much you care. Is this the only way?

These days gone by, you haven’t said a word
I was hurt and upset; is wanting you to act first absurd?
I have no idea what goes on in your mind
Why you act certain ways, unlike the kind
of guy I know when you are next to me
that’s the guys that opens me up and sets me free

I’m unfamiliar with the one I saw Friday night
yours arms crossed, eyes shifting, face held tight.
I want the man that knows me who stands by my side
Not one who worries me and makes me run and hide
I do truly love you and think you long for me
I want you back, but am I where you want to be?

I know you better, but still don’t understand
I want to reach out and let you hold my hand
Even if just for strength, comfort or esteem
I really don’t care, I just want to be part of your dream

But I truly wonder, do you want this, are you ready?
You hurting me now, but can we get steady?
I’ve hurt you in the past too, that I know
It’s hard to think and see out this fogged up window
So when we were apart I did things to leave you sore
It’s difficult to see the sunrise during such a strong downpour
Things get cloudy and both our actions leave us weak
But when I listen to my heart it is only your name that she speaks

I feel so close to you but currently so far apart
neither of us can move far if on an empty heart
Can we change, trust, be honest hand and hand?

I’m asking you, is it safe? Is it safe to land?

lesson one [boys] Jars of Clay

Lesson one – do not hide
Lesson two – there are right ways to fight
And if you have questions
We can talk through the night

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time

Lesson three – you’re not alone
Not since I saw you start breathing on your own
You can leave, you can run, this will still be your home

So you know who you are
And you know what you want
I’ve been where you’re going
And it’s not that far
It’s too far to walk
But you don’t have to run
You’ll get there in time
Get there in time

In time, to wonder where the days have gone
In time, to be old enough to wish that you were young

When good things are unraveling, bad things come undone

You weather love and lose your innocence

There will be liars and thieves who take from you
Not to undermine the consequence

But you are not what you do

And when you need it most
I have a hundred reasons why I love you

If you weather love and lose your innocence
Just remember – lesson one

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love writes a letter

You are in my dreams every night. Every night. Sometimes they are so real I wake up with a smile thinking you are getting out of your car and walking toward me with a smile reflecting mine… then, moments later, i notice, it wasn’t real.

Other nights i know, i know even while i am dreaming that it isn’t real. and i hate that feeling. the one i told you about before, right when you wake up. and real life exists again. and i am without you.
i miss you.
your memory is everywhere.
i am trying to be so strong. not because i dont want you, but because i know its just not right. its not right now. will it ever be? i don’t know. do you?

i want you to be happy and i know you aren’t. i know you weren’t either. i want you to be able to be happy with your life and who you are and i know i can’t be on the sidelines while you do that.
but its so hard. because i want you right here with me. i want to be right there with you.
i dont even know if you want to be with me or near me or hear from me or talk to me in the future. i know you think and say some mean things about me, some of the time they might be true, i guess, but most of the time i don’t think they are. i think if you thought about it hard enough you would know they are not true. but maybe those are the things you are thinking about. and they are true to you.

i can put my pride aside and say even if you don’t think of me, i can’t think of anyone else….
i don’t want anyone else….

i found one of your shirts when i was cleaning today and just stood there, taking any hint of you out of it that i could. i held it up to my face like a crazy person and i wanted so badly to smell your smell, tears are streaming down my face as i write this, i am not sure if there was anything left, or if i just wanted it so bad my memory took me back there…. but i smelled you. i did. and i wanted ed you here. to tell me it was about time i clean my room. it’s been weeks. the worst it has ever been. you coudlnt even get to my bed. but i didnt care. i don’t have anyone to clean it for.

what do i do?

there’s just no guarantee… how long do i hope? i was thinking about Brina’s question over Christmas, would you rather have the security and consistency that Tami and Chase has, or would you rather have that intoxicating love that you and Matt have… that her and John had?
… at the time i picked ours…. hands down. nothing beats intoxicating passionate love.
but now, i dont know, i wish there was a such thing as both.
is there?

i’m listening to my faithfullyours playlist right now and that isn’t helping me.

someone can be talking about milk for heavens sake and that makes me think of you. (when you told me i coudnt buy the off brand anymore). i still dont.

i should have listened to you when you told me not to be on my phone in the car.

i wish there was a point in life when we stop making mistakes.
i think that’s called heaven.

i wasn’t going to post this. but i think i am.

cuz when i die, then i die loving you.

it’s pouring

This quite possibly might be the worst month ever.
I’m breaking or losing everything…

.                                                                                            Aaand I miss mattie :(

Sometimes, well most times, when lots of bad things are happening in a row, I stop and try to figure out what God is trying to tell me.

I am not actually sure if God even does this, I mean, well maybe I am… Yes, I am. I do think God teaches us through life experiences. That might be one of the reasons we even live…
So, bad things happen for a reason, i think, most of the time. And we should learn from them, and I think we normally do… even if it is in a way we weren’t expecting.

But right now I am not really sure what God is trying to tell me…

There is the obvious “trust me” whisper that I always hear…

But what else? why? Why all these things?

there is something more …    and I can’t quite get it…

NOT THAT I NEED YOU TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE AWAY FROM ME GOD.

Just give me some time to think about it and I will figure it out. Or let you sort it out. I will listen.

timing…patience….preparation…focus ….

Those seem to be the themes I am pondering right now….

But where is this going?

Where are you taking me?